One of Those … Months?
Ever just wake up, and think — screw it all? Just want to throw the covers back over your head and sleep all day? Of course we all have those days. Well, I have had this all month. I can’t concentrate. I can’t work as much as I want (where usually I have 5 or so projects going on I’m barely doing two). I can’t eat, or I eat too much. I started smoking again. I quit. I started again. I can’t stop being anxious. I can’t focus. I sleep too much and still feel tired. I wouldn’t call it depression. I’m not depressed. I don’t cry. I’m still able to function as a human… mostly. It all stems from an incident at the tail end of June, where my entire life was flipped upside down, and everything I thought I knew was shaken up, distorted, and put back together — but all in the wrong places. I’m trying to be strong. To carry on as normal. To be happy. But I’m constantly followed by the fear that I’m not making the right decision. Or that which will not be spoken about will happen again if I make this decision.
I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be open to that, at least from this same person. But I don’t want to lose everything that I spent the last 6 years building.
I’m crazy. I’m paranoid. I don’t trust a soul. And I don’t know what to do, and maybe this is what scares me more than anything else. Do I keep on the path I have currently chosen, and leave myself open to be betrayed again, to be lied to? Or do I just move on? Do I just do me? Do I say fuck it all, and just leave, disapear? Or do I stick around, anxious and paranoid all the time, but hopefull?
I have a enormous amount of pride, and need to be in control of myself. And when that spins out of control I feel like Iose touch with myself, and I’m lost. And I don’t know what to do….
